A Game to Ruin it All

Sly wanted to forgo our ususal studio Friction rope bondage night and instead go the game night at the sanctuary. It started at 6 but by the time I got off work and dealt with the traffic slow downs because of the hail and rain it was almost 7:20 before I arrived. As I walked past past the room off the main entry I immediately clocked the engery coming off the girl curled on one of the beanbags closest to the door. I put my bag on the shelf and proceeded to the restroom then moved through all the rooms scanning faces at all the game tables. I had to enter the dungeon to find him, a group of 8 or so were circled around the padded table used for restraining. They playing Exploding Kittens. Anxiety immediately kicked in, there were so many new faces already involved in the game. He stood and approached me, I don’t even remember if he hugged me due to the cards in his hand. He asked if I wanted to play exploding kittens. I quickly shook my head no seeing they were in the middle of a round and I was very rusty on the rules.

He told me to grab a chair, looking around the table there were no open spots and he nodded to a huge stack of chairs in the corner. He quickly caught himself and offered to grab me one. He brought it over to where he had been sitting making room beside him. I sat immediately feeling overwhelmed. My idea of a game group is half this size and due to the amount of people playing the game went on till well past 8 pm. I was already tired and as cards were tossed o top the red leather and rules rexplained periodly I found myself wanting to escape the quiet(er) room of the beanbags or just take myself home. My week felt long and I have had such trouble sleeping this week, constantly waking up throughout the night.

I tried to smile and engage but it was too much as other people came in making rounds of hugs or watching a few rounds. I fidgeted with my ring and it was only when Sly would rub my leg or entertain his fingers in mine that I felt a peace of calm.

In my mind I played back our conversation through discord. I had told him I miss going into trance and he rallied saying we had plenty in on Wednesday. I rebutted reminding him Wednesday was game night. I was told I think too much (he’s not wrong) and said we would slip away.

we did finally and claimed the available bean bag. Again I felt the engery in the room as the girl remained curled on the beanbag but it was much quieter then the rest of the building. We cuddled on the other beanbag and I became more relaxed. I had really missed it and it’s become a bit of need, I love how it feels being in his arms.

He eventually called me good doll which has the effect of putting me in a trance headspace even if only for a moment. He guided me into relaxation but as I listened to his words I started to sense the girl in the beanbag next to us starting to cry. It was subtle and I was already fuzzy headed in trance. We did a decent trance when some friends of the girl came to check on her starting to ask if she wanted to leave. The girl was eventually left back alone and audibly seemed to begin sobbing. Sly quickly had me awaken and we cuddled in the awkwardness. Eventually he stood for water and saw her visually shaking. He laid down and in my ear told me he would step out and I should check on her.

From afar I asked if she was ok, no response. I sat at the end of my beanbag and asked again. While I sensed she had earphones in she seemed to acknlowdge I was speaking to her. I briefly put my hand to her shoulder and again asked if she was ok offering to get her water or find her friends for her. Her head buried in her arm she clenched her hand almost like she wanted to say something. Her head buried in her arm, I asked if I could hear anything. Eventually she realized. It was several moments before she looked up at me starteled asking who I was. I told her I was just checking in on her and she asked if I had touched her while she was having a seizure. Taken aback I said I was worried and just wanted to make sure she was ok. She softened a bit and said thanks nobody else had. I apologized and asked if she needed anything and said to be left alone.

I found Sly back in the dungeon and we eventually retreated back to the main entrance couches. The overhead lights were way too bright compared to the soft lighting of the dungeon and the beanbag room. There were a few conversations but I simply leaned into Sly. Our chance of anymore trance was gone but I still craved his touch. I like feeling him stroke along my arm. Our conversation drifted back to the weekend, him asking what I did Sunday. I asked home what kept him so busy, he helped a friend move what he thought was 1 fridge and turned into 3 and then a call with his parents. Wanting to avoid saying anything in a room of people and wanting to be respectful I couldn’t help but wonder why he couldn’t take a minute away to say he would not be able to do a call with me.

I continued to cuddle and pushed past it. He chatted with a few people in the room as I cuddled. On the drive home I felt a bit shattered and overall just felt the previous weeks catch up with me as the disappointment of the evening made me review previous events and I began to realize my wants and needs.

I want vanilla dates, I want to be in a situation where I can be myself without the anxiety of a kinky envrionent or other people being able to listen in on our conversations. And I want a trance session that is private and alone. I can not fully go into trance in a public space, it’s actually impressive how well I have done so far and while it was fun at first I need some privacy and alone time. Trance requires trust and allowing myself a safe space to drip and let go and I can not do that in a space with other people.

I want to express these things to him but I constantly worry about ruining a good thing. I don’t want to push him away, maybe now it’s at the point I am deciding I have needs and boundaries that may not aliang with his. I am trying to hold back wanting to give myself till the weekend. I am tired and my emotions are out of whack from the emotional roller coaster of hosting dog days of summer. There is a full moon tomatoes that has been creating a weird energy all week. I need a good sleep and time to think how to construvelly tell him my needs go