Wanting is Failing

I find myself constantly wanting to drop when I am around him. When he calls me good doll everything in my body relaxes and for a brief moment nothing exists but those words. Depending on what the situation is I may come right back but sometimes it feels so good and I want to stay in that place. I get fuzzy and sensual and just want him to use that voice that makes me stay there.

There hasn’t been much of that lately. Last Saturday we went to the Sanctuary. We sent alt of time socializing and when we tried to trance I just wasn’t in the right headspace. Not from lack of trying, I wanted a little trance session more then anything which is how I probably got too far in my head about it. We went to our typical room which was oddly quiet, I even commented that it was the most peaceful it had ever been. We had just started a trance as voices around us were loud and I couldn’t block them out. I tried listening to Slys words, words I so desperately wanted to fall into but my mind refused. To focus and allowed background distractions to have equal attention. I pulled myself up from trance apologizing. He asked what was going on as it’s never been a problem before. I explained that the other conversations were just too loud (and they were- the room we typically use has 2 bean bags and typically the occupants are respectful and keep convos low. Occasionaly a loud conversation will pass through the room as gear is placed or grabbed from the lockers but it’s fleeting and zi ususally already in the right headspace tat it has little effect, just background noise that fades out. But Saturday 3 people were sharing the beanbag and made no effort to keep the voices down so my mind wanted to jump into their auditable conversation. Curiosty wanted to know what had them so excited to talk about.

Sly was kind about it, said he had a great time, and we did. But I wanted trance and we have done so little lately. It’s something I want to explore further but in the of my mind I still have doubts about being hypnotizable to the way we both desire. I think I have some walls and mental blocks and zi am not sure they will ever come down and allow me to access wha I desire most. Maybe it’s my core personality or a lifetime of battling mental illness means my brain is not wired the same and maybe hypnosis will only ever be deep relax ion. Which is fine, the fact I can drop into trance and have no other thoughts is a feat in of itself. I didn’t think that was a possible state of mind I could achieve but now that I have it has become my happy place.

Last night we did 2 quick trances , way too quick. Saturday he added a new rule that I can not touch my clit, I can only hump objects and only insert things in my ass. The first few days was erotic and hot, my desire burned in my groin and the first time I humped my pillow I was able to edge. My breath came out in gasps as I felt the frustration build. It was hot but more often I feel frustrated. I like the control it turns me on and makes my clit throb.